"I have forgiven my father's killers"I have forgiven my father's killers

From Face Up September 2001 and used with permission.

Gavin lives in west Belfast. When he was five his father was killed in a sectarian murder, and the death has been the defining incident in Gavin’s life. “When it happened, I felt singled out, isolated, separated from the rest of the world. As a child, to see your mother crying is one of the worst things. You look up to your parents for strength, and if you feel you can’t rely on them, who can you rely on? Our family was in a shambles at that time.

“I had been close to my father. I remember walking with him to the shop and sitting close beside him on the chair at home. I remember him giving me a feeling of security and comfort.”

Gavin’s mother, Bernadette, is a Catholic, and their strength at that time came from faithful friends rather than from the extended family. Going back into school was difficult for the little boy. “I felt different. I felt I couldn’t join in with the rest. I was a child, but I was broken. The others were going back to homes where everything was fine. I was not, and I couldn’t deal with it. The fact that life all around me seemed to go on as normal made it worse. My father’s death killed my childhood. I had to grow up before I could grow up.”

At first Gavin gave little thought to his father’s killers, but as the years passed, their unseen presence began to intrude. “As I grew older, I realized what I had lost and how much they had put me through. They were never caught. In Northern Ireland people know they can do these things and get away with it. But even if they had been caught, they still wouldn’t understand the full meaning of what they had done to us, so that didn’t make any difference.

“In adolescence I allied himself with black culture, people like Malcolm X. I identified with the underdog. I liked Bob Marley’s music, and used rap to tell my own story.”

Was he angry? “I have been raised a Catholic Christian. Anger was never bred into me. My main feeling in adolescence was sickness. What happened was so cruel. I was angry with God in the sense that I questioned is this what life is meant to be like? Is this what we’re expected to put up with? We were taught to trust in Him and everything will fall into place, but that was not the case.”

Gavin Power had a lot to forgive, so it’s not surprising that the road to forgiveness was a long one. “Forgiveness is a choice. A year or two ago I began to realize the burden I was carrying on my shoulders because I could not forgive. There was a weight that wouldn’t go away. I was trapped as a boy, and knew that if I was to get out of this shell, I would have to let go and cut those emotional ties binding me to the past.

“I prayed for the strength to want to forgive. For me this involved knowing the depth of the pain, and letting God take over. For the first time, I began to think about the people who did it in a new way. I wondered what they had been through.

“The whole process took about a year. I went to Mass every day, I spent time praying. All of a sudden, it seemed to be no longer a problem, and more of an experience.

“Forgiving has really helped. Since I forgave, a weight seems to have been lifted off me. I still have pain. It will always be there, and helps to keep me in tune with all that has happened. It’s hard being so sensitive and I can still get hurt very easily. But I have some very good friends. I now realize that more positive things have come out of it than bad, which you might think is a strange thing to say.

“The good things are that I have had a real introduction to God. He used to be more of a shadowy figure but through my father’s death, I have been forced to meet him. I turned to him when I needed him, I have been able to trust him and I no longer feel guilty and ashamed of myself.

“The older I get, the less I think of my father. The memories start to fade. This hurts in the sense that I have only a few precious memories and have gone over and over them so much that I have them worn out. My father was taken away, but I haven’t lost him. I know he is waiting for me, and we will meet again. When I think of him now, I wonder would he be proud of me and what relationship would we have with each other? I think he would be proud of me. I have turned to God and forgiven.

“Am I happy? I’m working towards it. I’m content. I think happiness is being able to accept the positive in the experience. I think I was tested and came through and it teaches me not to be afraid. Growing up, I used to feel so hurt. I would ask myself ’Am I living or am I dying?’ If you suffer too much, you’re creating your own death, you’re losing your enjoyment in life. These days I know I’m living.”